Two weeks ago I decided against my better judgement to purchase a HP DV6 laptop as stopgap between now and whenever the long awaited (by me) 13″ Macbook Pro comes out with a retina display.

Some years ago in an attempt to a) stop piracy and b) save money, PC makers made an unfortunate agreement with Microsoft to stop including recovery disks with our newly purchased computers. Instead they would include a recovery partition on our internal drives from which we could create our own recovery DVD’s. Subsequently as I do with any new PC I get my hands on my first move was to make a backup of the system recovery disks. This is usually a slow but effective process, usually being the operative word. This time around the process failed repeatedly, costing me €10 in dual layer and regular DVD’s.

Last Sunday a quick Google search led me to the following online support page for HP. On it one clearly states one’s country and the product details, all of which should be enough technically speaking to allow HP to identify the customer and forward the request to the appropriate support member for that customer and product.

After entering my Country, Serial and Product numbers I spent 35 minutes troubleshooting online with a member of HP’s online support team named Akash. Akash was helpful and offered to send me out some recovery DVD’s free of charge.

I was momentarily happy until I provided Akash with my delivery details and he saw that I was in Italy. He immediately hit the brakes telling me that as he was there to serve the US and Canada only I would need to contact Italian support, repeat myself to them and have them send out the DVDs. “Do they have online chat?” I asked him. No. “Do they have an email address?” No. I would need to call them during their slim business operating hours.

Well, today I did just that. I was looped through four different departments until I arrived at my final destination – seemingly a monkey somehow taught to speak Italian – who failed to identify herself and later refused to. Apart from the weirdness of being forwarded to her based on the exact model of HP laptop I bought (an extremely odd way of dealing with an unknown customer enquiry) I was told that any prior support requests I filed (referring to my online chat with Akash) were irrelevant. I would need to have the laptop in front of me and would need to speak to a technician to ‘resolve the problem’. Naturally I began to object, but HP train their monekys well and within twelve seconds of objecting to the absurdity of it I was brutally hung up on. My heart sank. Never before had I been rejected by one of HP’s monkeys. It was but a small taste of what was still to come.

Calling back I spoke to another unidentified Italian speaking monkey. I asked her name and was met with refusal. I provided my customer number and asked who I spoke with earlier and was met with aroused arrogance and refusal. I argued the point and was hung up on, again. My Italian co-worker broke out in laughter at what he deemed the normality of it. “It’s like speaking to Telecom Italia”, he proclaimed. Having your customer service considered an Italian-level norm is never a good thing.

This lead me to return to where it all began –  HP’s Indian-managed-American-only online support where things went from infuriating to intensely insane. It was here that I discovered that HP is not actually one company called HP but rather a conglomerate of morons who would have us believe they are one company. It was here I discovered that:

• Any HP computer you buy is only covered by the warranty where you bought it, unless
• It’s covered by the warranty where you use it, unless
• It’s not marketed where you’re using it, thereby being covered by the warranty where you bought it, even if
• You don’t come from where you bought it.

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:34 PM] – Automatically generated message:
Your support request has been submitted and is in queue. Please wait momentarily while the system connects you with the next available support specialist.

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:34 PM] – Automatically generated message:
You are now chatting with support specialist AMIT M.

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:34 PM] – AMIT M says:
Welcome to HP Total Care for Notebook & Desktop support. My name is Amit.
How may I assist you today?
NOTE: For security reasons, PLEASE DO NOT sends credit card information via chat.

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:34 PM] – AMIT M says:
Hello Toma !

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:35 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
hello amit

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:36 PM] – AMIT M says:
If I got you correctly we are facing issue while creating recovery disc, right ?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:37 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
that’s correct. let me save us some time. i am in italy. akash wanted to send me some recovery disks but because i’m in italy he said i have to call my local support. i have done so and they are uncooperative and impossible to deal with. i need to lodge a complaint and i need you to help me get some recovery disks

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:38 PM] – AMIT M says:
Thank you for being so detailed in your approach. I do apologize for all the inconvenience caused in this regard

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:39 PM] – AMIT M says:
Toma we can send you the recovery disc however we need to have USA shipping address

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:39 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
if you even try and tell me i have to deal with my lcoal support again i am going to scream

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:39 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
even if you won’t hear it

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:40 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
you can, at the very least, lodge a formal complaint for me

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:41 PM] – AMIT M says:
I can understand your concern, however our technical tool are configured in such a way that we can only create the service order or can escalate the matter to those customer who purchase the notebook from USA and located in USA

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:41 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
then why doesn’t your italian office have online chat or an email address?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:41 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
i can’t speak to these people

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:42 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
they are rude and there is no written record of how rude they are

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:42 PM] – AMIT M says:
From where did you purchase the notebook ?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:42 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
[removed], italy

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:43 PM] – AMIT M says:
They do not have the e-support

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:43 PM] – AMIT M says:
you need to call them up ,

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:43 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
amit have you been listening?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:43 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
i have called them, several times

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:43 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
they are rude and unhelpful

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:44 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
i need WRITTEN contact

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:44 PM] – AMIT M says:
Toma since you are not located in USA we would not be able to help you out

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:45 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
i’m sorry, i thought i was speaking with HP

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:45 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
and i did enter ITALY, my serial and product numbers when i entered this chat, and it accepted them

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:46 PM] – AMIT M says:
This is dedicated to USA and Canadian customer

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:47 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
this is dedicated to HP customers, of which i am one

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:47 PM] – AMIT M says:
USA and Canadian customer

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:48 PM] – AMIT M says:
You are located in Italy and we have dedicated support who deals with Italy customer

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:48 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
only by phone, which a) costs me money, and b) i have tried dealing with to no avail

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:49 PM] – AMIT M says:
Sorry this is the only option as we would not be able to help you out

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:50 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
fine. i am publishing this chat on my blog and tweeting it to all of my followers. this is not acceptable. HP is HP anywhere in the world and your service is universally poor.

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:50 PM] – AMIT M says:
I do apologize for all the inconvenience caused in this regard

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:51 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
amit, if you’d tried i’d forgive you, but you haven’t so i don’t

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:51 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
if i get a us postal address does that solve the problem?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:52 PM] – AMIT M says:
Toma try to understand our support boundry ! we are limited to HP USA and Canadian customer

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:52 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
the thing with customer service is that customers don’t care about a company’s problems. now please, if i get a us postal address does that solve the problem?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:53 PM] – AMIT M says:
Nope ! the notebook should be purchase from USA

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:54 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
so if i’m an amercian travelling through italy and i buy a notebook, return to the usa and need support, i have to learn italian so i can telephone italian support?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:54 PM] – AMIT M says:
Yes this is how it works

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:56 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
an american english speaking citizen would have to call italian customer support? how would you expect them to get support in this matter?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:56 PM] – AMIT M says:
Let me explain you with how the warranty works ?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:56 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
i’m listening

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:57 PM] – AMIT M says:
HP Global Warranty covers HP products at the level of standard warranty offered in the country in which it is used. For example, a product purchased in country “A” and moved to country “B” receives the current warranty coverage provided by country “B” (if that product is marketed or supported in country B).

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:59 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
So if I’m in America then you can help me

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 2:59 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
Or if I travel to Zimbabwe then I have to call HP support in Zimbabwe because that’s where I’m using the PC?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:00 PM] – AMIT M says:
The notebook is purchase from Italy , you need to get in touch with Italy support team

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:00 PM] – AMIT M says:
Yes

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:00 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
but based on what you said, if I return to America with the PC then you can help me

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:00 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
even though I bought it in Italy

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:01 PM] – AMIT M says:
Yes provided the notebook which you are using is marketed in USA

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:01 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
so i should check whether what I’m buying is also available in my home country before i buy it?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:02 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
just to be sure i can get support

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:02 PM] – AMIT M says:
Yes !

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:03 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
this is insane. so if my pc is not sold in america i am no longer your customer?

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:03 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
when in america, that is

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:03 PM] – AMIT M says:
yes you are, that support country will help you out

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:04 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
but i’m not in the support country, and i will call them and they will tell me to contact you

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:04 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
if i’m in america, that is

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:04 PM] – AMIT M says:
Only if the notebook which you are using has been marketed in that country

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:05 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
and then you will say you can’t help me because it’s not on marketed in america, and they will say they can’t help me because i’m not using the pc in the support country

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:05 PM] – AMIT M says:
If its not marketed in the country how will we go and provide you support !

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:06 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
because it’s new, it’s under warranty and it carries the hp name

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:07 PM] – AMIT M says:
As I informed you that we have dedicated department alligned to different country

[Tuesday, August 14, 2012 3:08 PM] – Toma Lulgjuraj says:
look i think you’ve given me and anyone who may read this enough entertainment. thanks amit. my next computer will be an apple.

customer service, hewlett packard, hp, shit